All is lost.

When I was out in class today...

My entire wardrobe and drawers full of my clothes, makeup, accessories even including all of Roxy's gifts all taken away by my father.

It hurts. Everything is gone except my Silk Kimono which I wear to sleep everyday. Tonight I will sleep crying. It hurts. It hurts... so much.

My father asked me to man up and when I cried in front of him, he scolded me.

My mother just thinks I'm crazy somewhat.

It's too much for me to write for now...

Confused at the moment.

Not about my gender if you're wondering. It's something else. I want to sperm freeze my sperm... but I need to stop HRT but I need money for it which I don't have.


Argggghhh!

Day 37 on HRT 21/12.2012

Dear Blog,

Sorry but something came up. It's too painful to write it out.

It's just something I needed to do and of all people I trust and believe the most.

I can't do it even when I needed to. I am just going to spend tomorrow crying.

Natalie Rath

Day 36 on HRT 20/12/12

Dear Blog,

Today morning was terrible. I woke up late and had to rush my brother. (I was suppose to drop him off at the area around the college he attend to.) We quickly drove off. I was suppose to fetch Roxy but I knew there wasn't enough time. I quickly called her mother to get her to college instead.

But that didn't happen. Roxy was sick. Well she pretended to be sick. So she decided to sleep in instead since she spent the entire night playing The Sims 3. So she slept while I drove slowly and slowly to Kurt's intended destination first. I reached there suddenly felt like eating the Double Down KFC Burger (No buns just fried chicken patty on top and bottom with beef bacon in the middle.) but sadly they don't sell it during the morning since the breakfast meals only available at that time.

My brother went down to check for me but since they didn't have it I told him don't buy anything. He bought something and he gave me a hash-brown that was suppose to go with the set. I thanked him for it. It was delicious. Freshly cooked hash-brown is yummy. So I dropped him off to meet his friends and I head towards Roxy's home. Since Roxy told me in the morning she wanted to eat subway sandwiches, I went ahead and bought it earlier because I was afraid I would take some time with Jessa.

Anyway I met Jessa and got my injection. (I somehow feel insecure without it. Hormone injections give me a sense of security.) We talked a bit. Sadly, she was pissed off. Some guy she met on some dating website was treating her like a sex object. He called her while she was getting ready for my injection and she sounded real angry. He was mentioning to her that he wants to see her and he's horny and stupid perverted bastard stuff to her. She turned off her phone after that.

Once the injection was done, I thanked her profusely and went on my way to meet Roxy. Sadly Roxy forgot to turn her phone profile from silent to loud. So I couldn't contact her for the next 2 hours. I woke up to find Roxy calling me. She was very sorry for that. I was fine with that. I fetched her and then we ate the subway sandwiches on the way.

We were going to Times Square, there I bought myself a nice long-sleeve blouse. (Black in the middle with white sleeves.) and a black tights. I couldn't find women size 11 or 12 shoes. I curse my stupid large feet. I hate them sooo much. Roxy bought 4 blouses which all of them are very nice. (I would have tried to describe  it by my stupid memory is very lousy.) Roxy wanted to buy me some unisex jewelry so I can wear it without people staring. (She wants me to at least dress as a guy in college and certain occasions as she deem as dangerous. [It's because there are people around college that knows her parents. If anyone reports it to her father, {Who pretty much hates me.} the relationship will turn sour real quick.])

But we end up empty handed, the jewelry at Times Square we just really feminine ones. So she plans to get one somewhere else. I then went around buying fake eyelashes, eyelash glue, anti-static hairbrush for my wig, some nice nail polish. I bought brighter ones this time. The black nail polish with glitter was just too showy Roxy says. At least pink, crimson red and transparent glitter nail polish was less showy. I also got myself a pair of contacts. (I am buying all of these for Comic Fiesta 2012 on Saturday and Sunday where I will be wearing my gothic lolita clothes. That reminds me, I need to fix my hat the string snapped.)

We then later went to eat at Sakae Sushi and then had some Tau Fu Fah for dessert. Both of the food quality was terrible at Times Square. So we promised to ourselves no way in god's green earth are we going to eat there. I then drove Roxy home. We practically got stuck in traffic jams everywhere. We decide to take a detour to The Summit to buy actually nice Tau Fu Fah.

It was delicious. I then drove her home. I fetched her back home. We kissed a few times and hugged before dropping her off. I then had to fetch my brother Kurt and two of his friends back home. After sending my brother's friends back home, me and my brother drove back home. It took some time since there was still some traffic but finally we did.

I quickly removed my nail polish intending to put on the new ones I bought. But I thought better not. I will do it tomorrow. I chat my Roxy and now I am intending to sleep. It's 2.43 a.m. I woke up late because my alarm didn't ring. I set it to 9 a.m which I was suppose to set it to 6.45 a.m (Traffic is congested but not too bad that time.)

Anyway Good Night Blog!

Natalie Rath

Day 35 on HRT 19/12/12

Dear Blog,

Woke up groggy and tired today. I did wake up at 9 a.m after all after sleeping around 2 am. My nail polish on my nails were terrible. (I did it around 1 a.m.) It's my first time in a long time since I ever put nail polish. It was pretty messy. I had to keep redoing it but still it looks terrible and not only that it feels rough. It wasn't smooth at all. Oh well... I will just have to keep practicing and get better at applying nail polish. 

Note to self: I should probably buy base coat for my nails or maybe I should have started NOT using black nail polish. Lesson learned. 

Anyway I woke up and check my computer first, torrents were not even moving at all. I need seeders darn it. So I was getting ready, I wore my waist trimmer and my bandages around my nipples. (There are like small little bulges) I tend wore a simple black,white and red stripped chiffon t-shirt and grey long pants. (Sucks)

Then I was off to go to service my car. It took an hour to finish. I spent my time reading on fictionmania. I spent quite a lot of my time there nowadays. I am thinking of writing some stories or maybe start drawing so I can write and maybe illustrate my stories...or just make a comic out of it.

After it was done, I drove off to meet my lovely Roxie! I drove and drove through thick and thin traffic and finally picked her up and we drove off to college. We eat Fried Indonesian Instant Noodles with Super Hot spices at a nearby cafe then only we went to college. We both sat in an empty classroom and just hanged out till her extra class started. I went to meet some of the Anime Club guys and hung out with them as we talk about Pacific Rim and The Hobbit while I was playing Dragon Age Origins.

I then took my leave as Roxy finishes her class. I grabbed her and drove her back to the McDonalds near her home. We took a nap first in the car and when it was finally dinner and the promotions were on. I bought a double cheeseburger meal for her and I got myself a Prosperity Burger meal. We then drove near her home where the apartments there and ate there. Then after we're done I dropped her off at home and we kissed as we parted ways. But not for long.....

It turns out she left her phone in my car and since her father didn't really like me much. I had to sneak in and give it to her and quickly left. I then went to Jessa's house to get my weekly dose of hormones injection but sadly she ran out of hormones. Her friend was supposed to give it to her but because she had to rush to her friend Jessa's friend couldn't make it. I understand, if my Roxy were to have any problems I would rush straight to her too.

So we arranged to meet up tomorrow at around 10. Later turns out, Roxy's father went out to eat late dinner. So I came by, and hung out with her for a while. After much hugging and kissing, I left because I didn't want to risk bumping into her father. So I drove back home and got stuck in some jam.

I came back home to find my & my brother's room dark. He went out with my dad. But it was my surprise when I came to my everything on it table to find a package that says Merry Christmas. I was so shocked to find it. He wrapped it with tissues and wrote Merry Christmas using my nail polish. It just made my heart feel a jumpy and I feel so happy.

I unwrapped it and looked at it. He got me the Mass Effect Trilogy! I got so happy I practically squealed. My dad got me some food and I ate it because I was hungry. I thanked my brother and I proceeded to installing the games. I took a nice long shower and then I continued talking to Roxy on skype while reading some stories on fictionmania. Now it's already 2 a.m and I need to wake up at 6.30 a.m

Good night Blog~ Will write in you again tomorrow!

Natalie Rath

Day 34 on HRT 18/12/12

Dear Blog,

My exams are finally finished. Wooooooohoooooo~ Yippee! I bought some nail polish and I want to wear them! Shiny black nail polish. 

Since my exams are finally over, it's safe to say I will be uploading new posts in my blog starting from tomorrow.

P.S Roxie is no longer mad at me. In fact we are as happy as ever. Love~

Bye bye~

Natalie Rath

Day 20 on HRT 4/12/12

I am here to report that today, I am in heat. My nipples been very sensitive the entire day and wearing a T-shirt over it and the constant rubbing from the T-shirt is not helping at all.

I am feeling so darn hot. Worse time as I made Roxie mad at me for something again.

Why I am such a screw-up?

Day 13 on HRT 27/11/12

Woke up in the morning at 6 am. Feeling damn well tired but drove fine to college today. When I reached college I went to sleep for a while and later when I woke up I went to the Oishi Bun cafe. I ordered eggs, hot dog, toast and also hash brown.

And  the rest is a blur. I can't bloody remember. This is what happens when I get too busy and forget to write it all down. I am so sorry people for the internet. Will write more. Currently in my exam period. Will resume after it.

Day 12 on HRT 26/11/12

Woke up at 6 am. What a wonderful way to start a Monday. Nipples still sore. Anyway I woke up, feeling insanely groggy. So what happen was that I went to class Personality Psychology and sat behind. Tony came and sat beside me as class starts. Class was just on reviewing what we learnt so far and only 8 chapters are coming out. Since our exams are near.

Class ended shortly since it was just a review session, a clerk later came in from the Psychology department asking us to rate our teachers. Took some time. Since Darren and Ian wasn't here to re-act the long sleeve part of our video we just waited in the same place as our review session. We went to buy some snacks and then went through our persuasive speech. But we had to leave due to another class using the place. So we moved to the Psychology Lab Observation Room 5.

We met Ian on the way but Darren was no where to be seen yet. Ian just woke up. I then took nap. Darren later came finally and we quickly did the video. We then finished it and went off to our separate classes. I then took my car and drove off to meet Roxy. She says she has food and stuff at home. So I came straight to there. But I was so tired I forgot all about it and went straight on her bed. She did some of her stuff and later slept too. I woke up to find her still sleeping. I then went on to play Skyrim while add more mods to it. Eventually she woke up. Asking me about getting Ultra Satan or Ashen Marionette.

Since she's buying it using her own money, it's up to her. Eventually she bought Ashen just to sell it for money. Her ultimate goal is actually Loving Manner. (Gaia Online!) so she bought it. Later I went to cook some noodles for the both of us and some of my special scrambled eggs with mixed herbs. I substituted the milk with virgin olive oil so that it wouldn't be too dry and let it fry slowly as I turn off the heat. We then ate while watching Magi episode 8. Sad past is sad. I then went on playing Skyrim beside her while she scans the market for the prices for Ashen Marionette or Ultra Satan. Eventually it was 10 pm. We kissed and hug and have to wave good bye. I went back with her smile in my mind. Then later slept in peace.

Day 11 on HRT 25/11/12

Oh Sunday Morning, How bright and fun you are. I woke up to find the housekeeper Delia going about her morning. She gave me a hearty breakfast with scrambled eggs with mixed herbs, hot dogs fried using olive oil and potato wedges. I ate them all up with delight. I then thanked Delia for the awesome breakfast. (P.S the eggs are my recipe. Very nice and simple.)

I then later drove to meet my beloved Roxy! After 37 kilometers later. I arrived to see Roxy sleeping on her bed like a princess in her sleep. I didn't want to bother her so I too went to sleep beside her using her Hello Kitty as my pillow. After a while, I woke up to find Roxy all dressed to go out. She smiled at me and I smiled back. Her mum made Nasi Lemak which I ate a bit. But since Roxy wanted to go buy some milk, soy milk and crackers. She decided to buy Subway.

It's healthier! Nasi Lemak is quite a heavy meal and she wants something lighter for herself. We bought everything and then just hanged out like usual. We watch Magi episode 7 and she was shocked why Ali BaBa is helping the Fog Troupe. We then later watch Paranorman and she plays The Sim 3 while I play The Sims Medieval and Skyrim.

She was showing me our family in the Sims 3. After long last we have a daughter name Mariam. :)

Eventually the internet was cut off because her mom forgot to pay the bills. So we went out bought some dinner and came back. We then just kick back and relax till late night where then I have to leave because of my mommy and daddy being worried I might get into an accident again.

(I did suffered in a terrible accident but miraculously me and the other car survived without any injuries. Why is it a miracle? Because car I was driving was wrecked beyond repair. It was smashed in and yet somehow I just got scratches.)

So I went back home and had a good night sleep.

My nipples are sore and it hurts when my nipples rub against my shirt. Owie.

Day 10 on HRT 24/11/12

I should have make note of what happen today But since it's a Saturday... I am just lazy to report anything.

What I do want to report is that today my nipples seems to be very sensitive. Maybe it's just me or something. I didn't really check what will the hormones eventually do to me. I want it to be a surprise I guess.

:)

Day 9 on HRT 23/11/12

Woke up with my darling Roxy beside of me, I stroke her on her face a bit and decided to let her continue to sleep.

Basically I was just going through my blog and updating it as well as twitter and google+.

Actually today I am lazy to report. Nothing much went on. We ate, watch movies non-stop, played the Sims and slept. :)

My right buttock still hurt though.

Day 8 on HRT 22/11/12

First things first. Weeeeeeeeeeee! 8th day at long last.

I found myself awake with my right buttock swollen. My parents bought me breakfast which is chinese radish cake with some kind of salty veggies then later myparents asked me to go to the darn bank to sign for a car loan for my sister's new car. It's a Myvi an affordable and quite fuel saving car. Anyway after that, I quickly drove off the college.

Parked somewhere around college, quite far though. I went to the Orange (I know the walls are orange but not the name of the place) bought some Pasta with bolognese and a sunny-side up egg with mushroom soup and side dish of potato wedges which cost me only 5 ringgit.

Which I googled is

5 Malaysian ringgits = 1.6343 US dollars

Amazing.

I waited till 12 pm for my friends to actually arrive. Tony came first but Ian and Darren was no where to be seen. We need to finish the last scene as we did it wrong last time. I and Tony waited in the Psychology Lab and in one of the observation rooms. We waited while playing the Walking Dead. When they both finally arrived, we finished the scene quickly and bid farewell to each other. I hung out with Tony for a while as we copy some stuff.

When I am done I went to find my beloved Roxy. She was at home but we had to go out since there were a lot of people from the cleaning services. So we went to The Summit and went around there for some time and then we ate in a Penang Cafe restaurant. She ate Penang Prawn Mee while I ate Penang Laksa. It was delicious. Then later we went back home and just relaxed. We slept a bit then woke up. Then sleep again. Then play slender-man for a while eventually I decided to sleepover tonight. And I did. 

I love Roxy~

Day 7 on HRT Again. 21/11/12

Didn't really feel any difference. Woke up checked my computer and then went down to eat breakfast with my parents. After breakfast I took a nice long shower. Then later I went to college with my brother.

I dropped my brother to the One Academy and then I parked at Sunway Pyramid. Turns out I left my wallet somewhere. I hope I didn't drop it.. I love that wallet. I searched every where for it. Couldn't find it, I think I left it at home I hope. sniff.

I went to college for my usual normal classes which obviously I am bored of. And met a few friends a long the way. Bought some food later for my beloved Roxy and slept over at her house for an hour then went to a club meeting in college.

The club meeting was showing some anime while I am in charge of handling the Singing Competition. After playing Borderlands 2 in the meeting and everything was over. I went to meet Jessa for my injection. Talked to her a while about hormones and stuff. Later went back to meet Roxy and hung out there till late night where I then have to wave Good Bye to Roxy and went to fetch my brother.

Problem is I dropped my glasses when I was leaving her house. So I had to take my time driving super slow without my glasses. Because I seemed to have drop it in a big drainage hole beside her house.

Everything was fine. Managed to drive to my brother. My brother drove back home and I slept straight away due to being tired.

Day 6 on HRT. Again. 20/11/12

I started the day waking up late. Oh my glob.... So I quickly changed my clothes, grabbed my Wii and my cheap video camera. Then I drove off to my college at around 6.55 a.m. I manage to find a close enough parking but not close enough. So then later I went to a nearby cafe near my college and sat down ordering some food. I ate fried noodles for breakfast while drinking water instead of sugar filled drinks today. Spent some time hanging around the cafe to download Against Me's nearly complete discography which is 3 years ago. Which means it doesn't have their newer albums. Sad. I am urge to buy the album buy I kind of like only some songs. Hmm.... let's just see how it goes.

Now it's 8.03 and I am going through some game sites and MSF High forum. Listening to Transgender Dysphoria Blues and packing up to go class at 8.30. Class is on Developmental Psychology... So sleepy... I slept quite late as usual but never actually got used to it. Feeling so sleepy... Going to take a short nap.... Okay I didn't, I couldn't sleep so I went through twitter and Google+ on transwoman and transsexual. Found a hell lot of services from these transwoman. My god....

Anyway after Development Psychology lecture comes Personality Psychology Tutorial class. After that came Communication skills and now currently I am in my break to my next lecture which is Psychology of Learning and Education. Oh so damn tired. Listening to Against Me! Thrash Unreal. Awesome stuff.

Bought a pair of earrings and a necklace in class. Necklace don't suit me. Maybe it will look good on my Beloved Roxy. I am tired and sleepy. Trying to download Hit & Miss the TV series right now. Later I will buy food and drinks and head out to find Roxy after my class. My beloved Roxy I love her so much~

My hands are frozen solid. The hall is so freaking cold. Can barely type properly. Finished downloading Episode 1 to 4 of the tv show Hit & Miss still got episode 5 and 6 to go. Been talking to a Psychologist on Twitter. Follow me on twitter if you want. @Natalie_Rath I have short rants and random stuff on it. Finished downloading the entire show. Weeee~ Gonna watch it later~

After my class I rushes to The Rock Cafe near my college bought some Indomee Superhot (Indonesia Fried Noodles Extra Extra Extra Spicy) for me and my beloved Roxy and a pack of Milo and some Chinese Tea with sugar in it. I later drove to meet my beloved Roxy who was waiting for me. We then later met and while we eat we talked about how screwed the world is as Palestinians are being fucked by evil people when they are bloody innocent. While the news report otherwise. I mean they report that 10 Israelis died due to the people in Gaza, I understand but by attacking Gaza by doing massive bombing runs which already caused more than thousands of people to die is just mean and they're civilians too.

I mean what is wrong with that picture? Seriously, not to mention the people of Gaza has no military strength. They don't have guns, tanks or jets. And now they're planning to cut off all telecommunications from the country. I feel sad for them. As I ate my Indomee Superhot, more tears came out as the conversation became sadder and sadder and my food became more spicier and spicier with every second.

After we're done, we decided to buy ice cream and just relax for a while. After a while we went and bought some drinks and then watch a movie called Doll Master (It's a korean horror film). Felt sad and cried some more. My mom is so mean, she threw all my plushy and toys away. After that I say good bye and I drove back home and now I am here. Late. It's already 12.33. Time to wrap this up. See you people tomorrow!

P.S I think the only thing that the hormone changed was that now I cry more easier, longer and harder. I mean I was an emotional person from the start but I keep crying every time I see or read something sad. I think I should hold out from playing The Walking Dead Episode 5 the game. I might break out into some depression. O _ o

Day 5 on HRT. Again 19/11/12

I have college today. It's a monday morning and I have to drive to college with my car which is nearly out of fuel at 6 am in the darn morning. Okay, maybe it is my fault of not being able to refuel my car with the credit card. I think I overspend big time on some stuff which I can't remember or my mom didn't pay the full amount for the credit card this month. I hope it's the latter.

Anyway I reached college around 6.45 ish. My lovely Roxy gave me a morning greeting that made me feel better as I take a short nap. The nap lasted till 7.30 and I was woken up by the morning rain. I ran in the campus and went to cafeteria for breakfast. I ate "Nasi Lemak" which happens to be my favorite food while reading Nisekoi (some manga). Now I am in class and writing in this blog now due to my sheer boredom. Learning about Personality Psychology...

Class is over and I am acting with my friend Tony. Ahh... Great guy. What we did was just pretend that he is putting his cream and I thinking that he's weird for doing that in class. After that we went to the cafeteria as he grabs something to eat. Breakfast was still in me so didn't feel hungry. After a while of waiting which I spent my time searching through google about Laura Jane Grace, Ian and Darren finally came and we went into the observation room to act out another scene. After that, we want to finish the eating scene. Right now eating at the Oishibun cafe. Well not eating, waiting for the food.

Okay. The food came and I ate Fried Rice with Onions and some fried chicken with a side dish of nuggets, mashed potatoes and scrambled eggs. (Thank god for my metabolism.) We then act out the scene and we went off. Darren and Ivan have classes while Tony is just going to wait for his parents to pick him up. I on the other hand, was comforting my beloved Roxy. She's very insecure so I was just reaffirming her I love her and I will never ever leave my baby. I won't cheat on her like a lot of those unfaithful people. I told you I need her and her only in my life no one else. After a while when she feels better, I told her that I am tired and sick so I am going back home first.

Just to tell you peeps, my beloved Roxy lives around 36 kilometers away from me. So in a sense it's a long distance relationship. We call, skype and bbm all the time. So I drove back home and I found my cousins Leo, Jones and Shane (also not their real names) at home. Leo was studying with a tutor downstairs while my brother Kurt was playing with Jones and Shane Mortal Kombat 9. I was using Mileena and Scarlet. But they could stay for long since they're here only for their brother Leo's tutor to finish the lesson. So when the lesson was done, I bid them farewell. I am most likely going to take a nap now.

I woke up with my dad shouting dinner. It seems I slept for around 3 hours. Oh dear, Dinner was terrible but at least fulfilling. My mom messed in her own recipe. I ate then talked to my beloved Roxy about some stuff about solar fans and ventilation in my car. Since I maxed out my credit cards, I can't buy it. Sad.. Other than that, I was going through 9Gag just to skim through for a moment when I saw a post on the Delorean. Oh god, I love that car. Back to the future for the win! I love Huey and the News too. Especially Back in Time and the Power of Love.

Anyway got into an argument with my beloved Roxy. It took some time to convince her I am a Roxy only person. After that, we spoke about how the news is basically reporting anything about what's going on in the Arabic countries and innocent people are losing their lives due to some kind of massacre. Hackers been hacking the baddies websites and exposing all their information. Not only that, some people are supporting the baddies because they're threatened by them. Evil hypocrites. Betraying everyone. :(

Anyway I am signing off for the day. Since it's already 12.41 a.m 20/11/2012. See you peeps tomorrow! ( Well it IS tomorrow already hypothetically.)

Day 3 & 4 on HRT. Again 17 & 18/11/2012

Day 3 was a total blur to me. Just gonna start on Day 4. Woke up late today. I am so sleepy still.

I did basically nothing I was just watching tv the entire day and just talking to my lovely girlfriend whose name is Roxy. (not her real name obviously.) Oh before I forgot, I was playing Deity Wars with my cousin. Now watching Clash of Titans the 2010 version.

After the movie, my cousin went back to his house to get ready since we're meeting later at night anyway for dinner. I took a short nap. My mom then later woke me up to change my clothes and I groggily did it. The dinner was good. Playing Inazuma Eleven, Shin Megami Tensei 1 and Pokemon with my cousins. My hands are frozen solid now. After around 10 or more minutes, it was time to say good bye to my aunt and uncles. The weather outside is quite hot, so my frozen hands finally thawed as I waved good bye.

My dad was driving as I get into the car with my brother, sister and mother. There was an accident and so it jammed a bit. Finally I reached back home, turn on my Marvel Avengers Alliance. As I wait for my brother to finish using the bathroom. I chatted a whole bunch of fun stuff with my beloved Roxy then finally I went in and took a nice long shower.

Now it's nearing the end of the day and I am sleepy. Good night people of the internet~

Day 2 on HRT. Again. 16/11/12

Don't really feel that much different other than the right buttock is swollen the area where I got my injection. My friends says it's normal. Turns out I forget things real fast. So from now onwards, I type things into a draft then at the end of the night I have the full of set of what happened today...

Day 1 on HRT. Again. 15/11/12

A lot of things happened and now I am restarting the clock again.

My mom found out about the pills I was taking. But it was yesterday I got a hormone injection. I am going to get injected every week from now. And I got some very strong pills from a friend who goes to Thailand to buy these.

Right now I am just going to find a good hiding spot where I can keep my hormones. (I bought an entire box full of 10 vials of female hormones. Used two yesterday. That means it can last me for an entire month. Wasn't even that expensive. Lucky. But it's hard to get through the Malaysian custom so she doesn't always have stock.

Thank you my friends who didn't even mind me coming at 11.45 p.m in the morning. I wish I can hug you guys so much. :)

Day 7 on HRT 19/10/2012

Truth is.. I don't know anymore. I don't know what to do anymore.

A lot has been happening and I haven't been completely truthful here.

Oh God, I just hope it works out in the end.... even though it is going to be hurtful...

Day 6 on HRT 18/10/2012

Today was a dozy

Woke up in the morning feeling groggy but otherwise fine. The pills doesn't seem to have any effects on me and all the corset does it just hurts me. Anyway I was late so I was trying to find parking at a near by bank to update my bankbook. Finally updated and had a snack at a nearby shop.

Later went straight to fetch my girlfriend. Originally there was suppose to be an appointment with S. Sadly she was busy and we have to postpone it tomorrow. It was to go to the clinic to get hormone injections. I was so hyped about it. Luckily she says Friday is okay. So Friday it is then.

I fetched my girlfriend and we hung in college for some time. She needed to meet the teacher who gave her bad marks. Thank god, the teacher missed something and now my girlfriend is happy.

But it didn't end up so well later as we argued. We finally made up to each in the end. And now it's already the 19/10/2012.

All it took was 3 hours. Anyway, see you all soon. Darn sleepy at the moment.

Day 5 on HRT 17/10/2012

Pills didn't seem to have any changes again. Sad.

Anyway, I woke up earlier than I was supposed to. I wore my silk kimono nightie (Funny fact I managed to lie to my parents who don't know that I am on HRT by the way that it felt very smooth and comfortable in it.) and wore my corset underneath. It was excruciatingly tight. I then adjusted it a bit and then went back to sleep.

I woke up just around 30 minutes later to find out my mom woke me up since we needed to go to the Immigration department to renew my passport. So I hid away and changed my clothes and went on the way to the place.

Arrived there got my photo taken. I look weird but who cares it's not like I am going to wave my passport photo around. So anyway, we waited for the application form for renewal to go through. Due to terrible luck, there was a blackout and now an hour passed and I am late to fetch my beloved. Damn these places. Now she's unhappy at home. I miss her so much. Seeing her smile in the morning makes me feel like the Queen of the World. She's sounded a bit unhappy too when I called her. I hate making my baby sad.

So anyway I found my baby. She's sad but I made everything better eventually. It took a long time. She was depressed not only about this but because her lecturer is mean and evil! She might be failing two subjects. Stupid racist evil lecturers. Later we went to sleep at my house. Just a nice peaceful sleep.

Then later we cooked dinner (Just prawn noodles and a lot of onions and some sunny side up eggs). It was delicious and then I fetched her home and then fetched my brother home and the end.

Quite an uneventful day.

Day 4 on HRT 16/10/2012

Today I woke up feeling fine and noticed that my facial hair grows slower. (Shaved the day I started HRT) Well so far there are no actual changes but being on HRT makes me feel so free. After that I received a call from my BFF/Girlfriend (Guess you didn't expected that!). Telling me we will be together even if I change. Thank god Islam has a special rule for trans people.

Now I am on my way to her house to pick her up so we can go to A&W. Those delicious dogs. Yum yum. Hot.....mmmm....Delicious. Actually at this moment in time. I am typing this post on my iPad. I am doing this so I won't forget things.

Okay, I picked her up and we both went to A&W and ate delicious dogs. Then we went to college and now currently I am in her class. I really need to start doing my assignment soon.

After class, I went into an empty class room with my BFF/Girlfriend and just chat while watching Gintama (Oh my god, I love Gintama so so much). Then later we packed up our stuff and went to The Summit USJ and went to look around for clothes and stuff.

We later ate dinner at the Bamboo Garden at the LG floor. She ate Tom Yam Beehon and I ate Sambal Sotong with Rice. We shared a plate of steamed egg with Century egg and Salted Eggs cooked with it.

It was very nice. Then we shopped for a corset.

I will tell you wearing a corset is suffocating. But it feels right somehow. We then watched more Gintama and then finally I fetched her home and now I am home and I am beat.

I hope you enjoy reading this. If you don't, then oh well. It's just not your cup of tea then.

Gaming Rant

Okay! Just wondering if anyone who actually read my blog actually reads.

Here is where I will post my Nintendo 3DS Friend-code and also my Pokemon Black 2 Pal-Pad code.
Before I forget facebook too!

The more the Merrier!

(3DS Friend Code)Natalrath 4768-7484-6150

(Pokemon Black 2 Pal Pad Code) Neliara 2366-3495-3431

My facebook! http://www.facebook.com/natalie.rath.902

That's all!

Day 3 on HRT 15/10/2012

After an intense night of sleep. I finally woke up. But since I needed to fetch a friend. I quickly finish the toast my father made for me and just took another pill finishing my breakfast with cold water (not a healthy habit).

I still feel tired and being stuck in college without an empty socket for my laptop adapter I can't finish my assignment. Oh well tomorrow then. I plan to go buy some stuff later for some personal grooming to do.

Later I went to college I was so tired, I found an empty classroom with my BFF. We then went in there turn on the air-conditioner and slept. I had to sleep on some very hard table. But at least manage to get some sleep.

After hanging out with my BFF some more longer. I later called S to ask her about the hormone injection. So she was like I got an extra hormone injection so why not on Thursday we go to the clinic and get it injected. Hopefully I am free on Thursday. Or Friday. Whichever works. I am planning to buy a pack of injections.

I need more. But of course injected moderately. Anyway this is today's blog post! I hope you enjoy reading it.

P.S If you wonder why my English is terrible. Wonder no more, it is.

Day 2 on HRT 14/10/2012

Ha..... Hmm..... Ho....... Well today in the bright morning I woke up feeling that I slept a good night sleep. It was either because of the yasmin I took before bed yesterday night or because that I finally found someone to help me. Either way. For some reason I feel hmmmmmm......normal.

Well I am learning Psychology maybe I just don't know or nothing is really happening.

Anyway I am working on Saturday and Sunday. That's where I met S (her name is blocked for privacy reasons. She's shy.) Today I met S when we both have our lunch and we just talked.

I was too curious about everything about her to my surprise she was willing to share all of it with me. Then we spent some time talking about Gaffs and Corset and even Wedding Dress. She has a friend who is so lucky who married a divorced man in Austria and living happily now.

Then we later spent time trying to find a ladyboy dating site. She really wants to meet someone who appreciates her for who she is. I too want to find my one and only.

She is going back to meet her family in Rawang. But before we sat with each other and talked. She told me she can help me get from her friend hormone injections! I can hardly wait for it. I am like a baby wanting more and more candy. For now I will just stick to the pills. Before I forget I love S's hairstyles. She looks so pretty in them.

On other news, it turns out a research done in Malaysia shows that 10 percent of University students in Malaysia secretly desire to change their gender. I found it through google. Wow.

Overall today was pretty much normal.

Just some random rant.

I started now because a few days ago I fell into deep depression. I spent all my time only crossdressing. Which is so sad. I wanted to come out a long time ago when I was a kid. But nothing happen due to me being afraid all the darn time. I was lying to myself it would be fine. But nothing was fine.

Then suddenly many years have passed now I am in college. I felt the same when I was a kid. I broke down and cried because my friends the same all grew up into butterflies. While I am not even in a cocoon yet. Where I went I felt like crying, it was as if God were putting signs telling me to do it.

And then the biggest sign of all came. A beautiful woman stood nearly 6 feet tall. I thought she was a model. But then she was just like me trapped in this body. She gave me tips and help. Right now I plan to take pills for some time so only later I will show my parents who I really am.

I mean I am a tomboy in a way, it's like those tomboyish girls with this secret desire to be a princess. That's me! That's mostly likely why my parents know nothing.

Day 1 on HRT 13/10/2012

Dear World. My name is Natalie Rath (Obviously not my real name but I honestly think it is a beautiful name and I am asian so no way my name is anywhere close to that). I am not a girl not yet a woman but I plan to. Someday. I live in Malaysia, Cheras Area. This is my blog to keep record of what I am going through. I plan to express myself truthfully no more lies to myself or anyone.

Today I met a person. She was like me. Trapped in her own body. I was very shy. So I kept pestering her with messages about showing her my drawing. (She was drawing at the time) Actually I can't even show it to her. But I finally muster up to college to ask her.. whether she is Post Op. She did the most kindest thing. She explained to me everything. She even told me that she could help me. I shared with her my past. So she brought me to the pharmacy and told me. If you really are sure, then this is what you should take. So today marks the day I found someone like me not only that I started HRT. I will start taking photos everyday from now onward to see how much it changes me. I hope it does.

A truthful experience from me.

I had a bad experience with men last time so I found myself no longer attracted to men (Actually I don't think I ever did). However I am not attracted to women. Well except one person who I found to only be able to warm my heart. Now I am not sure whether I will be able to see her tomorrow. She got mad today because of personal reasons I can not say. I contributed to that problem and I caused it. 

It is my fault and she got every right to be mad at me for that. However... she is a bit panicky so she assumed somethings that she think is happening. I don't know what is happening but I did told her to stay away from it. I miss her already. She was the only one I ever felt warm with. Now she's mad.. I hope I can be with her again. I love her so much. I need her so much....