Fucked

Dear Blog,

         50 over resumes sent only few replied and most of those people declined. And If I don't get an intern position I am forced to postpone it till the next 2 years by 1st December.

         I am pretty fucked.

Sorry for the long hiatus.

I am just so depressed. After sometime, I really should start writing stuff out instead of keeping them inside where I will probably develop cancer. So here I am letting everything out.

After breaking up with my ex, I was focusing just fine trying to fix my life and graduate. I met a couple of new friends. No I am not with anyone at the moment.


However, today someone which is one of my new friend keeps guilt tripping me continuously by saying she is going to feel bad because I am trying to get my shit together and told her to just hang out tomorrow instead of today.

 I am just really wondering. Because its not like I said I don't want to go out on every other day. Which I probably should since I have multiple interviews on Wednesday and Thursday and I should probably work on my essay due next Wednesday. But did I do that? No.

Gone.. everything's gone...

My father took everything. Even when I told him the truth. He took everything.

Everything is gone.

All is gone.

It hurts.

It hurts.

It hurts.

It hurts.

It hurts.

I can't look in the mirror and says this is me anymore.

I look in the mirror and I feel like stabbing the person in it.

That's not me. It's not me. 

Please. Make. It. Stop.

Stop. Please.

Day ?? on Nothingness

Dear Blog,

I am not dead. Just left in a near death state.

I love Roxy soo much.... but I am scared.

I am afraid she might disappear. I need her so much.

I love her so much.

I hope everything works out.

I can't imagine a future without her.

All is lost.

When I was out in class today...

My entire wardrobe and drawers full of my clothes, makeup, accessories even including all of Roxy's gifts all taken away by my father.

It hurts. Everything is gone except my Silk Kimono which I wear to sleep everyday. Tonight I will sleep crying. It hurts. It hurts... so much.

My father asked me to man up and when I cried in front of him, he scolded me.

My mother just thinks I'm crazy somewhat.

It's too much for me to write for now...

Confused at the moment.

Not about my gender if you're wondering. It's something else. I want to sperm freeze my sperm... but I need to stop HRT but I need money for it which I don't have.


Argggghhh!

Day 37 on HRT 21/12.2012

Dear Blog,

Sorry but something came up. It's too painful to write it out.

It's just something I needed to do and of all people I trust and believe the most.

I can't do it even when I needed to. I am just going to spend tomorrow crying.

Natalie Rath